Originally published by Blessed Is She


“Am I going to continue to trust God, even if He never fulfills the longings of my heart?”


The news devastated me. I had low estrogen levels, coupled with chronic PCOS. “It may be a long wait,” the doctor said. Waiting! Again! We had spent the previous two years waiting for our residence permit through endless cycles of application and rejection. It had taken a toll on us emotionally, financially, and spiritually. The diseases of guilt and shame devoured me. Was God punishing me?


With my long history of irregular periods, it was no surprise that we spent over two years trying to get pregnant without success. The doctor had asked us to give it another six months and if nothing happened, that treatment was inevitable. The dull ache to fill a cavernous void caused by infertility is hard to comprehend. Every month feels like a new heartbreak. It left me feeling wounded, alone, confused, and angry.


Infertility is so much more than just emptiness of the womb. It greatly challenged my relationship with God. Moreover, seeing the evident blessings of others affected my self-worth, even my marriage. I searched for every Scripture on barrenness and was consoled that its pages were layered with reminders of the Lord’s plan that surpassed any vision we could ever have for our lives. The profound words uttered to Hannah, “and the Lord remembered her” (Samuel 1:19) brought comfort and confidence to radically trust God.



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